catching my breath... phew *tumbles*

let's see... this past week was... eventful. well... lots of things happened... and i wish i was back to the good old days, back in J1, back in sec three, primary six...

PAYCO

the concert on the 12th was a booming success, in terms of ticket sales... what we could sell, we sold. and it was a full house, we even sold standing-tickets, i think. but the performance standard was not quite up to expectations...

dad's comments on the pieces were that it was rather disappointing as compared to previous performances. he thought the compilation of songs was rather badly done... too haphazard, with too many boring pieces. like "guan xuan". or "chuan ge". and even "qin wang" was a bit messy, i guess. yonghui hit one huge mistake. but overall, it's over, give yourselves a pat on the back, and move on.

sometimes, i wonder if it's because this current committee is incapable. i think we got the communications part down, but not the commitment part. we're all too preoccupied with school, first and foremost. the only person whom i see taking on everything, albeit not without complaints, is tsu yang. joyce is very commited to the scores. i'm not ven half there. i think. and with OAC around, i can never be always there. chongwu gets cynical at times. and 5/9 of us have our a's this year. my parents, for one, are pressing me to drop PAYCO for this whole year.

commitment problems are at best worse than at OAC. guarantee, plus chop.

wasted my time at qing gong yan on friday night, and further more on saturday afternoon thru evening, for ying xin hui. i've got to swear, meithing and pinyan, i love you guys, and i thank you for all the effort you guys put in, but the entertainment on these two occasions were largely self-entertainment. or maybe the times are just so different. i'll always remember the games wenyin they played. even medha and chongtang. or maybe that was coz i wasn't half this jaded about PAYCO.

the committee is inefficient, i admit. and i also admit that i'm part of the cause of this inefficiency, and i'm sorry to say i can't really make up for it in the short term.

i wish i was back in primary six, when i just joined PAYCO, and everything was so much more straightforward. just follow orders, and have fun.




YLTC

immediately after the concert was YLTC night 1. or should i say, YLTC started on the same day as the concert was on. shan't go on to elaborate on the nitty bitty things we did, just the things that made an impact.

happiness
when you know the juniors who stayed are really interested. and optimistic. the looks on their faces that say we'll live thru this. the determination each and every trainee wore on their faces on the first day of the camp. it was awesome. i wasn't there for long on the first day.

and when the days wear them thin, their cheers at the end of each and every activity really touch you. and you think "this is one batch that is bonded, rather strong. and even though there may be cliques (and pray they don't develop) this batch is cohesive, and we may see more from them yet". it is this sort of anticipation that keeps your spirits up, i guess.

anger
this is when they fail to meet our expectations as trainees. how should i say, it was probably more disappointment than anger. and it's really upsetting, when you try to get a message through, the understand, for just that bit, then they forget all about it again.

i was exceptionally angry at them during the first aid mob, and after land expedition. especially when we were all so tired and spent. haha, we were like taut strings, ready to snap and be restrung tighter. i remember huifen told me last year, "when you're tired, it's easy to lose your temper. that's when you don't have to worry about not being able to discipline them when discipline calls and they fail to perform." i fully understand that now.

like, how the hell do you expect me not to be angry, when i've been telling them to report aligned since precamp three, and on the last day of camp, they come back haphazard, and not even know that their timekeeper is supposed to be the second man? or when my "brother-in-law" scream in pain, and the trainee happily says to bandage his mouth first.

haiz.

sadness
or rather, wistfulness? it was sad/touching/nostalgic when we walked around and put their white shirts on their backs after mass repay on the last day of the camp. i almost cried. i know a few other instructors did. i'll always remember crying, in the wushu area, when i joined them for shirt collection, after sitting out the whole repay. and all other repays. it meant, for me, a symbol of acceptance, that i'll always be part of the nels.

i wonder what it meant to the twenty-eight of them. will they remember that one moment of bondedness? before the problems set in. when they know they've survived the camp together, and come out a closer batch than before.

as an instructor, the sad part was also during the repays, when the people slacked. i felt sad. sad for the trainees who don't know what unselfishness is. i won't say selflessness, because that's a different thing. selflessness is when you give yourself up to the bigger whole. unselfishness is when you lug your own weight, and make sure you don't become a burden, by always thinking of yourself first.

sad, when i saw the other instructors slogging it out, and feel so helpless, because sometimes, i simply don't know what's going on.

and sad, when sea expedition came to be so short. so uneventful. so disappointing. i felt like screaming, like crying. it was just too... haiz. how to say, it's everything the sea chiefs existed for. and we or i failed to perform. maybe it's my lack of commitment and consistency. that must be it. but i tried. i did. maybe it was just too late.

sea expedition was, in my eyes, rather a flop. haha. not that i really expected the juniors to make it up to TMFT. i can blame it on the time constraints. blame it on the weather. blame it on the juniors. blame it on PC. but in ther end, i know it's my fault that i didn't maintain my stand against mr lock, PC. to dare to stand against them, and fight all the way.

i don't know larh.

and yeah. the juniors DON'T LISTEN. i warned them. i told them "put seawater in your hair. make sure it's wet." they didn't listen. and what happened? PUS happened. exactly the same thing that happened to meishi during sea ex OBS 2002. i gave the same warning i took. i came away with no scalp burns. wh should they, if they listened?

joy
the metas grew. they learnt, however little -- they did. and we can only pray they remember what they learnt and be a better batch than we can ever be.

nels
we made it together in the end, didn't we? hope the camp lifted everyone's spirits, about us, as a batch. we came thru it together in the end. it ain't that easy being instructors. and it ain't that easy to make it without breaking down.

throughout the course of YLTC, i've seen people cry, i've seen people bitch, i myself was on the verge of just giving up. and it feels good, to know that in the end, we can all be sitting together, sharing gossips of our junior batch. sure, the cliques remained, but who cares, as long as we're still a great bunch of people. cheers, 30th!

"so what if you get tekkan'ed? your food and sleep are taken care of. so what if instructors get to bathe? we dont' get to sleep..." -- huijie [something along that line]




blocks

what to say?

i barely studied.

die lor.



HER

she got admitted on thursday night. and on friday afternoon, transferred from alexandra to well. yeah. anyway, i don't know. i feel so helpless. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i didn't know sooner, that i was so indifferent, when i first heard. i was so sure you'd feel better in a while. i was almost certain your practical side will get the better of you, and you'll find your old pragmatic preachy self in a while.

i wish i had paid more attention to you. sorry.

things have become so different since we left RGS. we hardly talk anymore. when we once bitched the whole world to each other. even bitched about each other. haha.

i don't even know where and how she is now *distressed*

dear gods, let her come to no harm, and keep her safe. let her find a pillar to lean on when she's tired, a shoulder to cry on when she's sad, and a fortress to hide in when she's vulnerable.

let her still be able to see this. and grant her strength to move on. tell her we care, that she's not alone. find a way to reach her.

please be fine.