so what do i do?

returned from land ex mass recce. sea ex mass is supposed to be next sunday. the date's prolly gonna be fully booked. it's a last minute decision. and well, that's a result of procrastination.

and i guess that's what happens when you just feel like giving up, to behave like an asshole and let people-else clear up your shit. nothing gets done. because nobody will help. that's a simple inference enough. that's me, i guess.

i don't really know what i'm doing these days, or what i'm trying to achieve. but the conclusion is definite: i'm not getting anything out of this. skip pm sessions to attend practice, then skip practice to attend oac stuff, then skip work to attend both, skip performance items to attend yl. sure, my presence is felt, but i's prolly just gonna reflect negligence on both sides. the Y and Z sections of the new score library are still not up. A to X were done by joyce. sea ex stuff remain murky. yl is coming up.

i tried just letting go and blind myself to the obvious problems of slacking in either. but i guess i cannot not bother about what people see this as. lack of initiative? indifference to responsibilities? or simply uncommited?

maybe i'm deluding myself, telling myself i'm too busy.

it doesn't make a difference to them.

does that matter to me? apprarently yes. maybe you should stop irritating her. oh and so and so don't really take a fancy to you. and yeah, there ain't anough space for all of us, so you can go screw yourself in that other corner. maybe i try too hard. yes, you do, go figure.

this 2-2 situation is making me sick. i am told i have to weigh it out, and make a few decisions along the way. how?

i seem to be losing the very things i'm trying to rescue.